Addiction

Addiction

I don’t know what hurts more. Being the addict or loving one.

I have been on both sides of it and if I am being honest they feel about the same.

Addiction is so selfish. I can say that because again I was there.

I drank until every cell in my body was numb. It didn’t hurt anymore. My mind was so gone I couldn’t focus on what led me to drink in the first place.

I didn’t care. But really I did. I’m so gone I can’t remember that I do.

It starts to wear off and I start to remember but before it hurts too much I reach for the bottle and I drink it down. Numb.

And then sleep finds me. Another way to escape reality.

Until I awake… gasping for air because the thing I drank away the night before is now sitting on my chest… heavier.

Pushing out all the air in my body… suffocating me..

Somewhere between buying the bottle and finishing it, that hurt I was carrying picked up guilt and shame..

I didn’t notice because my focus was on stopping what was hurting..

It didn’t stop…

It was suppressed…

Tears fill my eyes..

this pain..

it hurts..

I can’t carry it..

it’s too heavy..

I have to get up.

I have a daughter. Family.

I have to be ok.

I can’t put this on them.

Tuck it away. Hide it.

My thoughts now flooding in, drowning out the little piece of hope I tried to carry from my dreams into this world..

I take a weak breath and I get up..

“You just have to make it until the end of the day”

I smile for my loved ones..

Show up..

Pour out the what I have left to give..

I have spent so much time studying who I use to be before this hurt that I have learned to act like her…

No one asks any questions… I like it this way…

I make it through the day..

the hurt is still there and I want it to go away..

I just want to sleep..

So

I drink until every cell in my body is numb. It doesn’t hurt anymore. My mind is so gone I can’t focus on why I am drinking in the first place.

I don’t care. But really I do. I’m so gone I can’t remember that I do.

It starts to wear off and I start to remember but before it hurts too much I reach for the bottle and I drink it down. Numb.

And then sleep finds me. Another way to escape reality.

Until I awake… gasping for air because the thing I drank away the night before is now sitting on my chest… heavier

Then..

You called my name..