The Waiting..

I’m sitting at the dining table having dinner with my family..

Act normal..

Eat your food..

Engage in conversation..

Push it down..

I get a text..

I shouldn’t check my phone…

I’m trying to hold this in..

It’s my sister checking on me.. Her words hit me straight in the heart because I know she knows this feeling..

With her miracle in hand she knows this feeling better than I do.. and she had no one but God..

God was kind enough to me to give her to me.. He knew she was strong enough..

I read the message and what I was holding in starts to creep up..

You better not..

Your daughter is right in front of you.. your husband too

Why would you let it out.. don’t you believe

Be happy for them… I am but it hurts..

How can I feel both.. it’s too much

And I ask my sister is it ok to believe and hurt at the same time.. Like I needed permission to.

Yes she says..

Tears fill my eyes and start to fall.. I catch them with a napkin but a few escaped..

My daughter has been watching me the whole time..

I tell her my eyes are just watery through a forced laugh but she knows…

I try to signal my husband to save me but he misses the sign and my daughter keeps looking…

Searching me for the answer she already knows..

She’s been with me through the lowest times of my life so I can’t easily fool her…

She just knows..

But she lets it go and we finish dinner..

Another text.. “Are you having any chest pain”

I was.. that’s where I was holding it..

Like my daughter.. my sister knows me too.. Even from a distance her heart has always felt mine..

Random texts in the middle of me drowning my sadness in a bottle..

This moment was no different except I’m sober..

Yes I reply..

Here it comes again.. I’m just waiting for everyone to go to their rooms so I can have a moment..

I hug my daughter goodnight.. and I tell my husband I’ll be in shortly..

I slip into the nursery.. close the door behind me..

Sit in the floor… and I listen for my daughter’s tv..

And then..

I let it go..

I felt like a coke bottle that was being shaken for the last two hours and its lid was being taken off…

I’m a mess.. before I sat down I closed the closet..

I didn’t want to see the clothes hanging in it… not right now…

I let it all come up.. I didn’t stop until it stopped..

I can breathe..

It’s finally out and I can speak..

Tears still falling..

God.. I trust you..

You are still good..

God.. I trust you..

You are still good..

God..I trust you..

You are still good…

But..

I catch myself.. there is no but..

God.. I trust you