Birthday

I remember laying down at night and being just fine with waking up somewhere else…

Somewhere not here..

Something in me knew there was more to life.. even though I didn’t think I wanted or could handle it..

I could never end it…

I got pregnant at 19..

Me being pregnant meant telling my parents I wasn’t their little girl anymore..

I wasn’t ready for that..

I was still their little girl and I felt that even more when I discovered I was pregnant..

What do I know about being a mom still living with mine..

How could I care for a child while I was still in the care of my father..

I knew I couldn’t end it because who am I to take life when mine was given to me..

I asked God to take it from me.. I can’t do this..

This is too much…

My belly grew..

God if this isn’t for me take it from me..

I hid behind baggy clothes..

I heard your heart beat..

Felt you kick..

Gave in to your cravings..

You grew on me..

At 6 months I could no longer hide you..

Everyone saw you when they saw me..

You were part of me now..

I’d accepted it..

I thought about when and where my water would break..

The thought of the pain scared me but I was ready..

You came early but I know now it was God’s timing..

C-section..

I was brave.. I had to be.. you deserved that

I spent most of my pregnancy hiding but the moment they lifted you over that curtain I wanted to be seen…

Seen by you..

I heard your cry and nothing from before that moment mattered…

Something in me awakened…

The whole time I was worried about you needing me but it was I who needed you…